Freedom

Letting go of your brain and acting on impulse really helps the true emotion of a moment shine through. I experienced this Wednesday while doing a scene with Matt. Jim Bonnie gave us a script that was pretty simple and had room for a lot of tension. Then the group came up with a scenario. I was a recovered alcoholic/drug addict and Matt was my son who was a using drug addict who had just escapes from rehab. After our first time doing the scene the he made us do it again using the Miezner repetition technique. This technique added more truth and tension to the scene because our emotions were heightened and we were acting on our impulses. Then he had us do the scene one more time without repetition but still using the same level of energy and impulse. In the middle of the scene Jim Bonnie got up and took away our scripts. We continued the scene with improvisation which came more naturally than ever before. There was no fear or hesitation and I felt a deep connection to the scene. Then I told Matt he was killing himself and breaking my heart. I Kept telling him he was breaking ,y heart and I felt a lump of pain growing in my throat. Jim Bonnie got up and walked over to me. He pushed my torso down so that I was hanging my head as if I was about to touch my toes. He started shaking me and telling me to let out the pain. My face got warm and my eyes began to swell. I lifted myself up and continued the scene. Within 5 seconds I was hysterically crying and yelling at Matt to get better. Crying during a scene was an incredible experience that I never got to feel before. I'm not sure how Bonnie knew that there was pain waiting in my throat but I'm glad that he noticed and acted upon it.

Storytelling...the profession

Just seeing Julia in her brightly colored skirt and purple scarf was a treat. She had the image of a beautiful giddy free true hippie and hat alone made me feel invited and ready to jump into the art of storytelling. Her vivacious attitude and desire to be silly was great to be around after a long day of stiff high school life.

The first thing we all did was introduce ourselves using a motion that went with the sound of our names. We did this not only to get her to know us but also to start activating our bodies. Julia said that our bodies are very important during storytelling because you need to be alert and animated to really grasp the attention of your audience. So we did some light stretching and wiggly with our bodies to warm them up. Then we started to excersize our IMAGINATIONS. She told us to view the whole workshop from the eyes of our inner child (which totally related to the Jim Bonnie workshop as well) because she says that not only are her stories normally directed to children, but also because the children within us are the ones who make us bloom with creativity.

We listened to her tell a story and the way she did it was jsut perfect. It had a great blend between animation, song, truth, and simplicity. I really enjoyed it from the perspective of young megan and old megan. Although I definitely did feel more of the sillies from the little me. Then she gave us the chance to share our own improvised stories which was also great. I loved watching Elissa and Molly make up their stories because I could totally see what they were like as children.

Overall the workshop was fun and interesting. I really just had a blast because of how free and giddy it was. I really hope Julia comes back in because honstly I am fascinated by the idea of someone making their living off of being a storyteller. What a life...A PROFESSSIONAL Storyteller!

workshop

Last Wednesday the acting workshop became an extremely emotional environment. Half of the group cried hysterically at different times. I was one of the people bawling. Although crying is very familiar to me, this was a little different. I wasn't fighting myself while crying, and when I began to Jim must have noticed because he came over and pulled my hand away from my mouth and held it. He wanted us to be free, even if that meant being vulnerable.

Our vulnerability is what made the workshop so powerful. I've been afraid to write about it, because I don't have any words that can truly express the experience I had. But I'm writing this now solely because I want to have another incredible experience tomorrow and I know I need to blog about the workshop to get that chance. It's just very difficult for me to write about something so powerful and brief without making it lose its value.

Even the idea of vulnerability is scary, let alone experiencing it openly in a group. But I understand now how necessary weakness and openness is in art. I've always somewhat known that but I had never seen it so clearly before. Every one of us said that our inner child wanted to play, or be free, or have fun! And once we centered ourselves around being this inner child we all felt shaky and vulnerable. But you have to be vulnerable to be free. And I believe everyone experienced that.

Round Two!

The next workshop opened with a meditation warmup. All of the students in the group went onto our backs and closed our eyes. Jim spoke softly about a forest we were walking through. He said the forest was familiar and safe. I was immediatly relaxed and open to the exercise. He spoke about a child in the forest dressed like a wild jungle kid, and I saw her as a young version of myself. By the end of the meditation that's exactly who he said ti was. The children were us and we can't forget about them and about having fun. With that we got up and starting screaming the magic word: NO! It feels sooooo good to scream No! REPEATEDLY. I say it for every time I wish I could have said no or for every time I have been angry.
The workshop is somewhat emotionally exhausting but at the same time it relieves me of so much. The physicality of throwing my arms down while screaming like a wild beast feels soooo good. I can't wait for what he shows us next! :)

Repetitive Resentment

Staring into the eyes of a good good friend of mine, screaming, begging her to help me, and getting nothing helpful in return. Every time she refused the fuse inside my chest got thinner and shorter. I could feel my face turn red as a beet. My chest tightened, my arms flailed in the air, and my voice traveled like a bullet into her head. "HELP ME!" I'd scream, and in return i'd hear "HELP YOURSELF!" "HELP ME!" "HELP YOURSELF" Each repetition filled me with more and more pure resentment. Acting had never been so easy because it was no longer pretend. Every word was filled with raging true emotion! The simple task of repeating phrases and exerting energy created a whole new style of acting. This first workshop was a great experience and I couldn't wait for the next session.

Ember’s Flood

In the old world, before chaos consumed humanity, there lived a beautiful woman named Ember. Ember was strong, compassionate, and full of wonder. She spent many days sitting in the forest trying to imagine how it would feel to be a tree. She would lie down on her back in fields full of sunlight, trying to feel the grass breathing beneath her. She longed to understand the patterns of the wind and the meaning of the ocean’s vicious waves. She let the Earth guide, nurture, and protect her. She followed the paths that nature led her to, and she never turned away. She trusted the Earth fearlessly, and this caught the eye of the Great Goddess…

Rasaya was the name of Earth’s lover and creator. She was otherwise known as the Great Goddess. She was the Goddess of truth, nature, and passion. She always favored Ember because of her love for the Earth and the purity of her soul. Ember was an honest woman with golden intentions. Rasaya noticed this immediately. She was impressed by the truths she found within Ember, and for that reason she remembered to always watch over her.

When Ember was twenty-two she fell madly in love. His name was Aidan, but she often called him “Scribble.” He was a genius, always writing down his theories, crossing them out, and creating them again. She adored his intelligence. For hours they would sit together in the forest with their bare backs against the rough bark of the trees. Ember would rest her delicate face on his shoulder and gently speak about the truths the Earth had taught her. Aidan would listen with his fingers engulfed in the strands of her hair.

“--And why have the people grown away from nature? Is it the natural progression of human life? I suppose every child must grow away from their mother, even if the child is humanity itself…” Ember questioned as she leaned against her love. He looked into her face and then up at the leaves floating flat against the sky. Then he answered.

“In a way that is true. People are just children growing away from their mother, but in reality they are not grown up at all. We have all grown too arrogant and are therefore too ignorant. And this ignorance has blinded us from the beauty of our Earth and the lessons it has to teach us.” As he spoke he continued to run his fingers through her hair.

“I have not grown ignorant.” Her voice striking with passion, “I grow closer to nature everyday.”

“And for this I love you.” He answered with equal devotion. “You will never grow ignorant, because you are brilliant.” He pulled his hand away from her head and turned urgently to face her. “You have a mind unlike any other I have met before. In all my years I have never stumbled upon a greater woman.” He wrapped his fingers around her hands. “You are the essence of nature and beauty. Your hair is the color of tangerine fruits and your eyes are the color of the leaves in the spring. Your pain is no different than the cold death of winter and your joy is no different than the beaming sunlight of summer. You are a beautiful person. You are Ember, my love.” He kissed her passionately and felt the sunlight of her joy glowing through her lips.

“I love you too Scribble.” She whispered when their lips unlocked. “I always will.”


Two years later their love was in danger. One afternoon they were swimming in a lake when a strange visitor approached Aidan. The visitor was not one of human form, though it spoke the language. The visitor was a dark-green water serpent. It slithered up his leg and began to pull him beneath the surface of the lake. Ember was unaware of the creature since she was floating on her back.

Aidan went under but found that he could still breath and speak.

“Surprised by that I see…you are not used to this ability I presume.” The snake stated as he wrapped around Aidan’s thigh.

“Why have you taken me here? Why are you speaking to me? Why am I breathing beneath the surface of a lake?...Have you killed me?” Questions shot out of his mouth like poisonous arrows.

“Calm yourself Aidan, you are still very much alive.” The serpent’s voice was smooth and relaxing.

“Take me back to Ember then.”

“But I can make you more alive.” The serpent whispered. “I can turn your pain into pleasure. I can turn your stress into freedom. I can give you the answers to all of her questions. Even the ones you are not smart enough to answer on your own.”

“And how can you do that?” The serpent had caught his attention now.

“I will give you my spices to eat and they will give you a brand new perception. They will give you the answers and the freedom.”

“I will take them!” His excitement was growing. He was eager to live a life without the troubles of pain and with the ability to give Ember the answers she longed for.

The serpent poured the spices into the water and told Aidan to swallow. As he did he was overwhelmed with euphoria. Everything was brighter and more colorful than the moments before. His eyes grew wide and each breath began to feel like a kiss. He was overwhelmed with sensations of perfection. As he hallucinated happiness, the serpent slid up his chest and looked him directly in the eyes and spoke urgently.

“You may never tell her about this. It will break her heart.”

“What do you mean I can’t tell her?” He asked with concern.

“I mean that you shall never speak a word of this to her. She will not know that you were gone when I bring you back to the surface. And she will never know about the spice.”

“But I cannot keep this from her. I cannot lie. She is a woman with a pure soul. She is a woman of honesty.”
“And she is a woman who can still feel pain. If you tell her, you will only be hurting her.” The snake slithered back down to Aidan’s thigh, “Now I must take you back. I will leave you with two things: A bag of spices and the warning of your lover’s frail heart.”


Aidan broke through the surface of the lake, drenched in bliss and confusion. The spice was still pumping through his veins, but the serpent was nowhere to be found. He quickly turned to look at Ember. She was floating just as she was when he got pulled underwater. Everything was exactly how the same as it was before. He realized that no time had passed while he was in the presence of the dark-green serpent. He would have been afraid, but the spice kept turning his fear into bliss, and his caution into curiosity. He wanted to explain to Ember but as he looked at her beautiful soft-skinned face, he could not get the snake’s harsh whispers out of his mind. He pictured her green eyes spilling out tears and her delicate hands gripping at her head as she crumbled to the floor in dismay. He pictured the sound of her breathing as she cried; little delicate whimpers that would grow more and more drastic with every intake of air. He could not bring himself to harm her that way, so he listened to the serpent even though he knew honesty was sacred to her soul.

For months Aidan would lick the spices from the bag that the serpent gave him, and for months he lived in bliss. But by the third month things began to change. Ember felt distanced from Aidan, and confused by his strange behaviors. He no longer spoke eloquently or wondered about the Earth with her. One moment he was enchanted with joy and the next he was a raging angry flame. She did not know that he had become addicted to the serpent spice. She did not know how much his body burned and crumbled when he was without it. All she knew was that he was changing, and she was afraid. She asked him about the changes but he claimed nothing was different. He was trying to protect her but he was hurting her just the same.

One evening when she returned home from a long walk along the riverside, she found him lying on the floor of the den. She ran to him and began speaking to him softly. He said nothing back. Her voice grew louder with panic. He was silent still. She shook him and shook him but got nothing in return. She started cry and scream. Her heart was overflowing with worry. She knew something was poisoning him and she feared for his life.

Rasaya sensed Ember’s fear and pain. She felt it in the soil and the roots of the trees.
Aidan’s eyes opened.

“Are you okay? Who did this to you?”

“I cannot tell you, Ember. I cannot do that.” His voice was weak and trembling.

“What do you mean you cannot tell me? I must know.” She leaned over him and pet his head gently with the palm of her hand.

“It would break your heart.” Tears fell from his weak eyes.

“My heart is breaking already, it has been for months. Slowly it’s breaking. Please tell me why you’re lying here, weak as rotten fruit.” She touched his cheek lightly with her fingertips.

“A serpent came to me with spices and he promised they would—“

“Make your life perfect? Instantly gratify your every need? Remove negativity? Hook you?” She interrupted knowing full well what spices he was speaking of.

“How did you know?” Aidan was shocked.

“The same snake got my mother. He had her hooked until the day she died... Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

“He told me it would break your heart.”

“As would hiding it from me.”

“I’m sorry Ember.” More tears fell and his lips quivered lightly, “I wanted to tell you, but I was afraid. And now it’s too late, I cannot live without the spice.”

“You must. You will die if you do not. You will break my heart and then death will shortly follow.”

“Then I will quit.” His body began shaking as he cried passionately on the floor, “I will quit for you.”

“That is good but I cannot be here for it. I must leave you for now. I cannot make you quit and I cannot let myself be hurt by your poison. But when you are strong enough again and in the same reality as I, we will reunite as lovers and as friends.”


Rasaya watched with admiration as Ember spoke these words of wisdom and truth. When Ember walked to the forest to get away from the poison, Rasaya had a brilliant idea.

Ember stood in the forest and looked around at the trees. She felt a strong yet unexplainable urge to speak to the trees. She wanted to cry to them and tell them how afraid she was. She longed to let them know that she still loved him madly but she was afraid of the dangers of the spice. She needed to let the Earth know that she wanted to protect him.

“So speak to them. Let them know.” A beautiful voice echoed through the forest and right into Ember’s ears.

“Who’s there?”

“Look beside you.” Ember did and saw a tree, “I am Rasaya. Right now I am a tree. But I am always the Great Goddess.”

Ember was speechless.

“I’m here to help you. I know of all your troubles and I know of all your fears. However I do not know what you desire most.”

“I want…I want him to be off the spice. Forever.”

“…I do not have that power. The spice can only be given up by the user. Is there anything else that could help you?”

She stood silently for a while trying to discover what would help. After a few moments she realized what she wanted to do.

“I must become his guardian angel.”

And so it was.


Ember lived above the sky and watched him week after week. The struggle was sometimes too gruesome to watch. She saw him cry for her every night and she wanted to reach down and grab his hand, but she knew that he needed to feel this pain to get better. Sometimes when he would lose control she would send him energy from the clouds and he would feel the calmness and the love that filled the air.

One night Aidan could not sleep and he spent the whole night crying. He began to speak out loud to no one, but Ember listened to every word. He pleaded with the Earth for forgiveness. He begged for his love back. He wished to be free from the grip of the spice. He spoke about how beautiful life used to be. He told stories to his ceiling about the times he spent with Ember in the forest. He spoke about her beauty and passion and incredible mind. He cried for everything he lost.

Ember’s heart sank into her stomach and her eyes began to well with tears. When they fell from her face they grew in the air. They grew to the size of houses and splashed like waves upon the ground. Within minutes the earth was drowning in her tears.

Floods filled the streets of every city and chaos took over. Water rushed through the door of Aidan’s house and as it touched his skin he knew where the floods were coming from. He swam against the waves out of his house and into the forest. People everywhere were trying to swim to safety, but Aidan was swimming further into the trouble. He swam to the forest and all the way to the lake where he met the serpent. He swam deeper and deeper into the water until he finally saw it.

Aidan grabbed the serpent and held it firmly in his hand. He knew that if he killed the snake the spice would no longer exist and he would thus be free from its hold. But as he began to squeeze the snake harder he felt a sharp pain in his own sides. When he loosened the grip, the pain disappeared. In order to kill the snake, he would have to fight himself. He was petrified, but he knew it was what he needed to do. Aidan clenched his teeth together as he dug his fingers into the scales of the serpent. It hissed in agony as Aidan’s finger tips stabbed deeper and deeper into its flesh. Aidan felt his own flesh ripping open but he knew that giving up wasn’t an option. The waters of the flood were rising higher, far above the tops of trees. His mind was filled with panic and his heart was racing with passion. He was running out of time and he knew it.

The snake thrashed back and forth struggling to break free. Aidan took his other hand and wrapped his fingers around its neck. He squeezed as hard as he possibly could, the whole time gasping hopelessly for air. The snake and Aidan writhed together in excruciating pain. Then Aidan pulled as powerfully as he could until the serpent violently ripped in half.

Aidan sank like a stone to the bottom of the waters. His body was ragged and weak; bloody like a carcass. His gaze was glued to the lifeless serpent that floated beside him. He pleaded with his mind to hold onto its consciousness. All he wanted was to be with Ember again, safe within the arms of the forest.
Ember sat beside Rasaya in the sky and watched as the oceans swallowed the world. When nothing remained, Rasaya strengthened the sun and dried the surface of her Earth.

“Ember, I thank you. Your tears of love have cleansed my Earth of its ungrateful parasites. For years the humans have been stealing from its riches and disregarding its beauty. Now we can start anew.”

“I am happy to be of help. I have always loved this Earth and wish nothing but the best for it.” Ember answered sweetly. “But may I ask you one question?”

“Of course my dear.” Rasaya welcomed.

“What will become of him? Can we still save him?” Her voice was quiet and afraid.

“We can…He has already started to save himself.” Rasaya showed Ember the dry land where her lover lay. “He has freed himself and this Earth from the Serpent’s evil spices, and for that he shall be healed.”

“Oh thank you Great Goddess Rasaya.” She paused and then gazed down at Aidan’s healing body. “May I return to him?”

“Of course my child. But you must promise me one thing.”

“Anything.”

“You and Aidan must give birth to the new children of the Earth. You much teach them to be wise and to love nature’s beauty. You will be the mother of the new world.”

And so she was.

Together Ember and Aidan recreated the beauty of life, and together they cherished it sweetly. They raised 12 beautiful children, some with hair the color of tangerines and others with hair as dark as the night. The children were witty, wise, and full of life. They found great meaning in the trees and listened to the stories of the wind. And at night when they were sleeping, silent in their dreams, Ember and Aidan would return to the forest. Together they would lie across the grass, look up at the sky, and thank the Great Goddess Rasaya for all the beauty she brought them. Ember would rest her delicate head on Aidan’s chest and speak passionately about the wonders of the world. Aidan would answer her questions and listen to her stories, all the while his fingers running through her hair. And then he would whisper words of truth into her tiny ears.

“I love you. You are my Ember.”

“I love you Scribble…I always will.”

Book Report

I laid down on my couch like a fallen tree, gripping the sides of the book in my hand. I was wrapped in a warm fuzzy blanket and my eyes were swollen and tired from crying. I opened to page 288 and began to read about the true story of Eve.

I was heartbroken, hating men, and convinced again of their terrible ignorant ways. But as I read about the “Mother of All Living” my hate began to fade away. Nothing was more satisfying than reading about how woman created man at time when I felt so high above the dirty ways of men (this is not a constant belief of mine, only a temporary result of heartbreak.) I felt a surge of power rise within me as I read that the original Eve had no spouse except a serpent that she created to satisfy her own sexual desires. The excerpt went on to say that Jehovah arrogantly pretended to be the only creator of life, and that Eve had to punish him for it. It was apparently his ignorance that led him to say “I am God; there is none beside me.”

The Woman’s Encyclopedia of Myths and Secrets is constantly filling me with that sense of power and completeness. It contradicts all the views that are pushed on me as a young girl in today’s society. It’s so refreshing to sit down and read this book after being forced to analyze advertisements in health class. After being told subliminally every day of my life that women are sexual objects that need to be beautiful and submissive, it feels amazing to fight back with the ideas of goddesses, eve, and the feminine powers of the moon. I find that the more I read this book the more complete and at ease my soul feels.

I also find myself connecting random aspects of the book to my every day life. On page 508 there’s an excerpt describing the origins of kissing. It explains that most forms of affectionate contact are adaptations of mother-child behavior. This statement alone forced me to delve into the idea of people’s roles in their romantic relationships. I examined how often I had played the “mother” in my romantic relationships. I examined how often I did not. The book gave me a new way to analyze the interactions between lovers and family.

I am not anywhere near finishing this book, but I am definitely enjoying the journey of reading it. I look forward to being exposed to even more intriguing concepts that will change my perception of the reality I am living in.

Artist Statement

I am an artist because I have absolutely no choice in the matter. The only place you'd find me after a few months without art is in the insane asylum. It took me four years after I started writing to realize that I was a writer. Before I even knew it was my passion I spent hours a day working on short stories. I thought this was the way every child spent their day. I was unaware that this obsession with creating make-believe worlds was actually a sign of the artist within me. As I grew older I realized I was a writer and a few years after that I found myself craving more outlets.

I explore different forms of creation in order to learn about myself and the reality that surrounds me. I often use poetry to relieve myself of emotional disturbances. If an emotional secret or a psychological confusion is burdening my mind, writing poetry is what helps me dissect and diffuse the issue. There are many times when I don’t know what is weighing me down until I write it out in metaphors. Then when I re-read it, everything becomes so clear and I often know how to solve the problem. Poetry is my therapeutic artistic tool. I often explore acting when I am trying to release a chaos within me. I find that acting is a way for me to understand the way human beings interact while also having the freedom to let some of my insanity shine through. Being cooped up inside “Megan” all the time isn’t satisfying enough. Sometimes I need to be Misty Tumbleweed, Mrs. Mullin, or Bernette in order to feel completely free. Lastly I have visual art which serves a different purpose every time I try it. I usually draw or paint without much intention behind my work, but as the piece grows it starts to parallel with part of my soul or my current life situation. I find that many of my visual art pieces represent an expansion of consciousness and involve many vivid colors and swirling abstract patterns. I often use visual art to express the intangible aspects of my reality.

Nothing is more refreshing than finishing a work of art that I am really proud of. Whether it is through acting, writing, or visual art, as long as I finish an artistic journey I feel reborn. Art serves many dire purposes in my life and therefore I have no choice in being an artist.